Monday, July 23, 2012

this day.

I am not one to remember important dates.
Good or bad.
I try to remember the good, I try to forget the bad.
I have made a promise to myself that I will not dread this day next year, or the year after that, or the year after that.
...but I have to write about it this year.
It's been a year. A complete year.
Since that morning. Jon crawled back into bed next to me and whispered in my ear,
" Your Aunt Del...she died."
and I made him repeat it, five times. Over and over.
And it set in slow.
And it hurt long.

I sobbed into the microphone
John 11:25 at her funeral:
 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though they die, yet shall they live.

and now when I mourn her loss on earth, truthfully deep down I am happy. Happy that I know she is in the presence of God Himself. Happy that I do not cling to this verse as a means to take the pain out of death, but I declare it TRUE. Happy that I WILL see her again one day. Happy that she changed me as a person. Happy that I knew her. Happy that she was my Aunt.

And I want to repeat this over and over:
though they die
yet they shall live
over and over

love NEVER fails.

 It was a passage I had heard plenty of times in my life:
01Corinthians 13:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.
Usually read at weddings...
every time I have heard it before I have thought of my marriage, but this time, I was thinking of my child in Ethiopia.
And when he (my pastor) read the last line,
love NEVER fails. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
It never fails.
So...we are open to a HIV+ child.  No we do not know him or her or if they will be HIV+ for sure at this point. We have this long journey before us and know so little. But God knows the number of hairs on the child's head at this very moment. He knows them more than I ever will!
The thing is that I have been very cautious about who I have told about the 'HIV part'. I mean yes, I can speak of the adoption...but HIV+ scares some people... And I am afraid of failure. Failure. I am afraid I am getting in over my head. That our new child will feel different and alone. That the HIV thing will be more than I can handle. And that I will get to a point in my life where I will sit back and think to myself, 'I failed!'
...and I might, in the world's eyes.
but Love NEVER fails.
If I try, out of love, and I fail in the world's eyes of 'having it all together' is that really failing?
If God has placed this before us then will he not get us through...?
I cannot fear failure...
because if I have Christ,
then I have love,
and if I have love
 I cannot fail.

So please be praying for us. For the right little girl. For the right little boy. For the right children, if that be his will. For a child with needs. For a child that is healthy. For the one (or two) at the beginning of time that God himself chose for our family.

Monday, July 16, 2012

The rumor is true!'s true. There is going to be another little Patterson. But this time it is a little different. Nope, I am not pregnant...we are adopting...from Ethiopia. I am beyond thrilled. This longing in my heart to adopt, even in childhood, is finally a reality! I am such a blessed woman to have such an amazing man beside me. He feels the longing in his heart too.  And so here is the beginning, of another journey (probably a long one!) together with Christ.
You may think we are crazy, I think you're right. We are. If you asked me a year ago about adoption, I would have said 'yes, one day'. And the one day seemed far away, like maybe 5-10 years. But a few months ago I could not get it out of my head. Day and night, it was all I could think about. And when I brought it up to Jon, his heart was open...and we prayed...a lot.
The truth is right now, I don't know if it is perfect timing..? I mean life is busy. Audrey (3) and Norah (1 1/2) my days are full and wild. My house is unorganized, I loose my patience (often), I spend my days 'keeping up' just to do it all over again the next day. BUT when I have time, I think of how good God has been to me. He has been so good, to me, so undeserving. So is there really a better time? I know that we have enough for another. We have the space. We have the food. We have the clothing. We have the laughter. We have the love for another. So I cannot ignore the voice calling with 'right now is not really good timing God'.
Because it is. God's timing is perfect...and His love is enough.